What's the Sign for Disillusion?

The Search for Mystic Pizza

2011-12-31T09:14:00.001-08:00

Here are my new year's resolutions for 2012:

1. Watch all the Seinfelds, this way, I will get all the references and be able to fully participate in conversations!

2. Gym. I'm going to go to it. I have been slacking this month, and as a result, I have gained about 5 or 6 pounds.

3. Money. I really need to learn to stop wasting.

4. Simplify. I have too much and I care too much about material things.

5. Relax. I don't do that.

YAY

Asking For Flowers is Like Asking You to be Nice...

2010-10-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

There is an old urban legend that says the song My Funny Valentine was written by a lonely person because he wanted someone in his life who would see him that way. He wanted someone to say those things to him. This story resonates with me because there are so many times when I hear music or read poetry and think "I really would love someone to feel this way about me." I'll bet it's safe to say that we all have, at one point or another, thought the same thing.

I'm the type of person who needs to know what someone is feeling, to that end, I am always expressing the way I feel. I tell people I love them, that I miss them, that I'm mad at them. I'm always telling the world what I'm thinking, and while I admit that kind of unmitigated expression isn't always the wisest move one could make, I stand by my need to communicate my feelings, if only so I can say that I did.

The problem is, not everyone is the same. Actually, most people are the total opposite. They don't put their feelings out there for the universe to see and judge and I get it, it's scary and difficult, and it's too easy to get hurt. My question is, how do really know how someone else feels if they don't tell us? Is it by their actions?

Lately I have been wondering if my words go out into the universe and fall on deaf ears, because sometimes there is not an echo back. They just hang out in the air, like an unanswered text message...

I have become so afraid to allow myself to love someone else but I don't want to be afraid to tell the people in my life how I feel. to tell someone that I miss them, to tell them how glad I am that they are in my life. even if they don't say anything back.

Pulling Hairs Out of My Face

2010-05-15T06:06:00.000-07:00

Taking a look at my $7.00 breakfast this morning it finally registered... I WASTE TOO MUCH MONEY! Now, of course I have been aware of this for a long time, but I just didn't care. I figured that as long as my bills are paid on time, it didn't matter where the rest of my money went. Of course a sum total of zero was going into savings, which is really stupid.

I have begun saving for my vacation, which is working really well, but I guess it works so well because I have a goal. Getting something fun with the money I save is far more appealing in my immature mind than saving to pay off credit cards or saving for "a rainy day". I make enough money to save a decent amount every month, but I also spend so much on convenience. I figure that I can save a lot of money simply by doing things myself instead of paying people to do them for me.

The first challenge will be plucking my own eyebrows. I used to wax my own back in the day and 2 times out of 10 they came out ok... Plucking them is painful, but I will save $15.00 by doing it myself. If I do it myself for a year, I stand to save $390.00...

Family guy Sums It Up

2010-01-31T08:29:00.000-08:00

Lois leaved Peter because he has amnesia and doesn't want to be married, so she goes on a date with Quagmire. Quagmire and Lois are in bed getting ready to get it on when Lois says:

Lois: "Well, if Peter is never coming back to me, then it's nice to know that I am in the arms of a trusted friend."

Quagmire: "you trust me?"

He then loses his erection.

Productivity

2010-01-26T18:22:00.000-08:00

Oh shit!

Here is what I was supposed to do this week so far:

Monday, Work, then gym, then homework, then clean
Tuesday, Gym, Work, Class

Here is what I have done:

Monday, Work, work, eat, fight with ex, sleep
Tuesday, sleep in, work, class, burn chicken

I have not made my bed, I have not cleaned my room, and I burned the one home-cooked meal I have time to make this week. I don't know what my problem is. I mean, shit.. i know what I need to do, I know what I want for myself, but I simply am unable to take the steps to get what I want.

until I am able to change my ways, my ass will continue to get fatter, my room will get messier, and I will have low iron because I dont eat what I should.

Low Iron means low hemoglobin. Low hemoglobin means no double red cell blood donation. No double red cell blood donations means that two people might die because I couldn't give them my blood.

I can't help others if I don't take care of myself...

Money

2010-01-23T09:14:00.000-08:00

So, as you may or may not know, I was 90% complete with my application for the Peace Corps in April of 2008, but I never finished it... because of a guy.

So, now I have to start some parts of the process over again.. mainly the money and the dental stuff and the rest of my shots.

This means that I have to start sticking to a very tight budget so I can pay down my non-student loan debt and pay for my dental copay.

The Peace Corps needs you to have your dental work (preventative and all) done for the next two years before you leave the country. This will cost a lot, starting with some work that I am having in March. for which the copay is $500.00.

After that, I need to finish my Hep-B vaccination and figure out where I can get a polio vaccination. Of course, once I get my skin test at my new algerist, I might have to change where I want to be sent. but That's a whole different story.

My Place is a Mess

2010-01-23T08:21:00.001-08:00

Ughhh... My room is a mess. Last week I had to skip town unexpectedly because my baby sister became seriously ill. She's fine now, but I got very behind at work and school and let my home chores fall by the wayside. So, I need to clean.

I am a pretty tidy person, but I easily let my life get in the way of taking care of myself. So, Im going to clean... but furthermore, I am going to keep it clean... so, every morning Im going to take time to clean and..

make my bed... because you know what they say; messy bed, messy head!

What's the Sign for...

2010-01-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, so you know me... well.. I am assuming you do because you're reading this and why would you read this if you didn't know me?? *I know I'm stalling*

I'll start again... you know me. You know that I have these grand ideas of improving my life, making better choices, growing up... all that good stuff... but you also know that I am a creature of habit who is ruled by her id. I live a life of self indulgence and it's fun and all.. but it's not productive. So, I figure that the best thing I can do to help change my habits and work to become a better person is to talk about it in a blog. Openly and honestly... so, if you do read this blog and follow along on my journey... know that I will be sharing a great deal of personal info.

A little history. I am single. I am taking a break from dating this year. So far it's been pretty great, I mean... I don't have to pay for someone else all the time and I actually have time for my friends and my family. But it also kind of sucks, because I am a pretty.. um... well, let's just say I feel the need to enjoy the company of a man more often than not... but I have a bit of a fix for that.

No, it's not a "special man friend"... I figured that I would be an answer, but it turns out that I require at least someone to be a decent friend before they can be a "special man friend". And the kind of guy who wants a a friends with benefits relationship isn't always a great friend... mainly because I think they assume that Im going to start to become all clingy and shit. So, they disappear... or maybe they are just not into it, which is fine, but hey don't just fade away... be a man, tell the truth.. which brings me to...

Why I am not dating: 2 reasons. Number one, men lie. I don't know if it's me or if it's the guys I choose but I happen to be that person that guys seem to be really, really interested in for a period of time (sometimes long and sometimes short) and then they bail. They tell me they love me, they tell me they want to marry me, they tell me how much they like me, they spend a lot of time talking to me, chatting with me, emailing me, hanging out with me... and then one day "puff!" they are gone... it's never a decline it's always from 60 to 0 over night. This happens to me EVERY SINGLE TIME! It usually goes something like this:

guy-"Wow, Renee, I really (like, love, want to marry you, want to move in with you, what to...with you)"

Renee- "fabulous! I feel the same"

guy- "whoa, really?? I got to bounce!"

or:

Guy- "hey, Renee"
Renee- "Hey, I havent heard from you in a while"
guy- "yeah, I have been dating this girl, but (we broke up, we are getting serious, she's out of town)"
Renee- "oh?"
guy- "we should hang out"
Renee-"ok, sure, I like talking to you"
guy-"oh wait (she's back, I like a new girl...)
Renee-"so, were not actually pals...?"
guy-does not respond to (text, email, AIM...)

(lather, rinse, repeat...)

So, I have learned that I can't really be friends with straight guys because mostly (my amazing married friends aside) they just want a warm body until something better comes along... I hate to say it, but it's true. Now, I can't lie and say that I have not done the same thing, cause I have. but Im the kind of persone who values people... and I get bummed when I think I have friend and I really dont.

Reason 2: I some how lost myself.. or maybe I never found myself because I have been worring about a guy in some way or another for the past 12 years...

so, 2010 will be about self discovery.

1. Learning new things
2. Focusing on what is important to me
3. getting in shape
4. self care
5. seeing my family and friends more
6. being a better example

I hope you will join me as I work to make a better Renee for the world to enjoy! haha!!